A\u00a0quick note about this, triggered by a recent research note I read.<\/p>\n
Couples work is somewhat different from individual psychotherapy. Mainly, the therapist does not climb into the individual experience of a person with the same persistence and intensity. Instead the therapist will focus more on the communication between you and your partner. He will try to bring into awareness the layers and meanings of what goes on between you and through that<\/span> you’ll find out what’s going on inside each of you – through exploring what it is you’re doing to each other.<\/p>\n The goal of couples therapy is to improve or restore the communication. A relationship is only as strong as the communication between the partners. All else is secondary. \u00a0That can’t be stated too strongly: \u00a0If there’s no communication – if you’re not talking – there’s no relationship. \u00a0There may be an arrangement, cohabitation, even a smooth running machine. \u00a0But there’s nothing that grows and in which you’ll grow. \u00a0It’s like – at best – having a really good roommate: \u00a0Maybe no bumps, but no reason in particular to hang around either. \u00a0And given what we really want from each other this kind of arrangement always sours. \u00a0When he moved to an assisted living facility and made a new batch of friends, a friend\u00a0told me recently, he was shocked to discover how many people spoke of being in loveless, even silent marriages for decades. \u00a0None of them were happy in them. \u00a0All of them were at least regretful, some quite bitter.<\/p>\n But the road to a real relationship, something you look forward to as opposed to putting up with, is exactly the same as in individual psychotherapy: Increased awareness yielding changes in feelings and behavior within the relationship. Furthermore, as with individual psychotherapy, the work should have a logic and excitement to it; it should be more than someone telling you how to manage your relationship. And if there is no movement in 10 or 15 sessions, if you and your companion are still bickering in the same useless way or whatever has been your pattern, talk about this with the therapist and consider a change in therapist or in the type of psychotherapy.<\/p>\n Now here’s the research that triggered this posting. \u00a0Turns out people wait, on average, six years from the first sign of trouble before they seek any help. \u00a0And that’s been my experience as well. \u00a0How I wish someone would call and say the marriage was fine for 10 years, the past 2 have been a problem. \u00a0I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that the numbers are usually reversed, or worse. \u00a0Two\u00a0couples I saw in recent years came in with 13 years together, of which\u00a0only the first two – if that – worked.<\/p>\n So to quote what\u00a0physicians have been moaning since the breed was invented, “Why do you all wait so long to see me?!” By the time many couples come in, they have built up so many years of dissatisfaction, resentment, disgust, and eventually loathing, that it becomes a Herculean task for them just to sit in the same room together.<\/p>\n If you and your partner have quirks, little bumps in your interactions that eat at you and don\u2019t seem to resolve in your respective minds and hearts, don\u2019t keep shrugging them off! Don\u2019t wait until one of you is ready to walk out. Go and sort it out with an someone specializing in human feelings and communication, which is a good\u00a0definition of a\u00a0psychologist.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A\u00a0quick note about this, triggered by a recent research note I read. Couples work is somewhat different from individual psychotherapy. Mainly, the therapist does not climb into the individual experience of a person with the same persistence and intensity. Instead … Continue reading